This was the bane of my existence. I so wanted to learn how to draw. I wanted to be able to create something visually appealing with just a pencil and paper. That is why I turned to the other arts. Yes I play 7 instruments. Yes I know how and have written songs. I took up photography and am pretty decent at that too. But ask me to draw and might as well shoot me now. I couldn’t draw something worth looking at for the life of me.

One of my 2012 goals was to learn a new skill. I put pencil to paper and began. (literally) Armed with a variety of youtube videos I set out to draw some sketches. Here are some of my initial drawings.

I’ve really got to get my lines down. As well as learn some proportion. But practice makes perfect. Or at least interesting.

Let me know what you guys think!

Please be gentle, as I said this is the first time I’m drawing something in my 26 years of existence.

Proves that you can learn anything on  youtube!

As all bloggers may have done, I also have decided to post on the first day of the new year. Not because I want anyone to read it, but more of because I want to be able to look back at 2012 the following year and see if I did do anything different.

Oh 2011 you were suffice to say an interesting year. A lot of travelling, new friends, new trials, and most of all new people in my life. Both good and bad. I’ve learned so much and I’ve wanted to end you already so fast and so quickly, not because I didn’t like you. It was one helluva a year. But primarily because I’m raring to go on to 2012. I tell this to myself every year. I stand in front of the mirror, stare myself down, and after doing a Robert DiNiro (You talking to me? Are you talking to me?) impression, I tell myself this is going to be my year.

Highlights of my year? Well, I went to Bacolod for food, went camping on my birthday, went to Vietnam, fell in love, got broken down, decided to try out the iPhone, lost my laptop due to overuse, got a new macbook air, finally got my car running properly, met some new friends, rekindled old ones, and most importantly grew as a person.

Yes, yes, cheesy as it may sound, I did grow. I learned a lot about who I was and what I wanted in life. As I cross the bridge to my mid-late 20s I realize now that every situation, every high, every low, contributes to who I am.

Anyhoo, we’ll be having a great new year. Bring it on!

Since this has been stuck in my head for the longest time!

 

I lurrrrrve pancakes. The fluffiness. The unlimited possibilites. Oh yes pancakes you make my mornings bearable if anything else. Oh pancake I love how you never fail to disappoint. Even when you are not at your best you still mesmerize me. Every bite is soft and warm. Its like biting a kitty only tastier. The round shape is just perfect to fit in my mouth. You go well with just about anything. Eggs, Syrup, bananas, nuts, berries, cream, butter, peanutbutter, & of course chocolate. Oh pancakes you are so versatile. You, pancakes, make me happy. I can have pancakes for breakfast, lunch, dinner or even midnight snack.

I love you pancakes. You will never leave me nor disappoint. I can never have enough of you pancakes. A dollop of butter cream and some maple syrup and you have something so simple pancakes. Your simplicity baffles me and excites me. Oh the possibilities pancakes!

Pancakes, I’m forever yours, faithfully.

-Carlos

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So here I am again. Pounding away on the keys trying to get some semblance of a Christmas spirit and yet just like the very facade of the photo above slowly decaying  and withering into time.

Yes, this John Mayer speaks the truth. I feel like I am slow dancing in a burning room.

And as the storm slowly and silently covers me, I pray for calmer days. Sunny days even. I understand now all these artists who undergo existential turmoil. It fuels you. It consumes you. You let it drive you. To feel everything. To touch on the very human side of feeling and express it as best you can. But all artists understand that no matter how much you want to convey it, no one fully understands you.

You stand alone.

Slow dancing in a burning room.

I realized the perfect word for my moods lately. They’re not quite sad because I feel the word sad is quite shallow to describe the distress I feel. I feel somber. Most of the time I put on a smiling and face and go about my day and work as if nothing is/was wrong. I get things done. And yet I come home and right before I go to bed, in the darkness and security of my bed it hits me. It completely engulfs me. My melancholy.

The dictionary defines melancholy as “A deep, pensive, and long-lasting sadness.”  It completely defines and captures my mood. It is “deep” it is pensive as I catch myself staring aimlessly into space most of the time lost in my thoughts. And it is long lasting because it is something I just can’t snap out of it. It completely engulfs me. It swallows me whole. I can feel it brewing, stewing, from the very depths of my soul and I wallow. I wallow in it completely and wholly. I lived for a short while these past few weeks. And now I slowly am dying every single day.

The past month was a blur. A proverbial roller coaster of emotions which took me up and down in a matter of seconds or in this case weeks. I find myself hurling my lunch I ate awhile ago. I’m nauseated. I do not know what brought about this roller coaster. I just suddenly felt like falling and my stomach was starting to turn.

I felt my heart turn black like the bottom of this chili bottle. Life is full of spice indeed, but too much and your tongue and all your senses start burning.

I feel so lonely in a sea of people. I feel alone. I feel once more left behind. I stand in the middle of crowded intersection taking it all in. Absorbing the life and movement and motion and yet I feel nothing. I feel empty.

Oh and the weather is not helping. It just kept raining.

Christmas has always been a special time for everyone and anyone who grew up in the Philippines. Everyone has his or her Christmas story. I’ve been missing the christmas spirit for quite sometime. (Let’s say 4 years and hopefully that’s it.) There are a lot of things different this year.

And I realize I’m just overall just happy.

Happy with how things are turning out. Or at least what I’m perceiving is great so far.

I learned something new this year. Something that I’ve been afraid to do for 2 years.

I’ve opened myself up to someone. I hope this doesn’t turn out to be a mistake.

I often give out a very calm, tough, collected exterior. I am a very private person. Very few people actually know who I am, much more what I actually think or feel. This was a tremendous leap of faith for me so I hope this doesn’t come and bite me in the ass! But I’m glad I took that leap of faith with you.

I just feel that this year its going to be different.

I was recently going through my old blog posts and I realized how I missed just reflecting on the random absurdities in life. One of my favorite words recently has been the word absurd. I especially like saying in our vernacular: Absurdo. There is just this certain ring to it. The subtle Ah or the A the rolling or r’s and the abrupt and sudden end of O but said with force is just the one those words that capture so much character when saying, but I digress.

Back to the absurdities of life.

As I said, the subtle absurdities of life is what I miss most and reflecting about things is what I miss most. Every moment today is now spent on strategizing or thinking about the business and how to improve our bottomline. I am turning corporate. I am a corporate slave masked in common place clothes.

Take for example this entry. http://www.carloscpalma.com/2009/08/f-fail/

I think it was pretty awesome topic to reflect on.

And I quote:

“Ganun pala yun, iiyak mo ng konti. Tapos pagnilayan. At pagkatpos ng lahat move on. Don’t dwell on it. Parang perishable foods yan eh. If gagamitin mo either ubusin mo na, or i-tapon mo. Kasi wala na siya silbi. Mapapanis siya. Maari din i-ref pero may hangganan parin ito”

I miss being able to write like this.

I wonder when it will be back?

Maybe I should start here.

Hmmm…. what to talk about…

What about the concept of time.

I’ve always wondered how I’ve always had time to spare despite being so busy. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve never had enough time to do everything I’ve wanted to do, but I’ve always have had time to give to the important people in my life or important things. I don’t know how or by what miracle I am able to translate this, but I do. I’ve had time to learn photography, learn the industry I am in, meet with people, fix my car, take breathers, compose strategies, come up with budgets, and somehow fall in love. But I do and I have.

What a silly concept. Running out of time. And yet, thousands and millions of people seem to run out of it everyday. There never is enough. I agree, there never is enough time. That is why we choose what is important to our lives and what makes us happy and we make time. I’m learning how to do it. I haven’t mastered it. My bucket list only grows longer. But I’m checking one item at a time. If only funds were unlimited as well!

The past week was a very disturbing week and yet enlightening still. I learned a lot. It was very disturbing in a way that I felt myself wallowing at the bottom of my emotional well after being on top of it. It was a week of high’s and lows and I realized I was capable of feeling again. Concurrently, it was an enlightening week because I realized how vulnerable I actually was. I opened myself up after 2 years and found myself hurting once more. I learned how to deal with this hurt and how to deal with the problems that came tumbling my way. I talk about dealing with a lot of things during this past month/week as if I am able to cope already, to that I say nay. I am neither coping nor already coped, and yet I am. Slowly but surely learning. Liking. Loving. Once again I feel a warmth in the cold place that was my chest.

Listening to John Mayer always gives me great comfort. He has the talent to capture both in melody and with his words the exact perfect sentiment.

I find myself now completely captivated and deeply taken by her.

I wake up each day to your messages hoping that one day I would wake up to you by my side.

I love how you laugh at my corny jokes or the way you give me this face whenever I try to be cool. You said, I am a nerd. Dorky dorky me and yet somehow you find what’s cute and amazing and fall for that. You are amazing.