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I realized the perfect word for my moods lately. They’re not quite sad because I feel the word sad is quite shallow to describe the distress I feel. I feel somber. Most of the time I put on a smiling and face and go about my day and work as if nothing is/was wrong. I get things done. And yet I come home and right before I go to bed, in the darkness and security of my bed it hits me. It completely engulfs me. My melancholy.

The dictionary defines melancholy as “A deep, pensive, and long-lasting sadness.”  It completely defines and captures my mood. It is “deep” it is pensive as I catch myself staring aimlessly into space most of the time lost in my thoughts. And it is long lasting because it is something I just can’t snap out of it. It completely engulfs me. It swallows me whole. I can feel it brewing, stewing, from the very depths of my soul and I wallow. I wallow in it completely and wholly. I lived for a short while these past few weeks. And now I slowly am dying every single day.

The past month was a blur. A proverbial roller coaster of emotions which took me up and down in a matter of seconds or in this case weeks. I find myself hurling my lunch I ate awhile ago. I’m nauseated. I do not know what brought about this roller coaster. I just suddenly felt like falling and my stomach was starting to turn.

I felt my heart turn black like the bottom of this chili bottle. Life is full of spice indeed, but too much and your tongue and all your senses start burning.

I feel so lonely in a sea of people. I feel alone. I feel once more left behind. I stand in the middle of crowded intersection taking it all in. Absorbing the life and movement and motion and yet I feel nothing. I feel empty.

Oh and the weather is not helping. It just kept raining.

I sat there, thinking of what I’ve just done and although it was for the good of everyone involved, it sickened me. The thought of myself sickened me. This was not who I was. But I had to learn it. I had to learn to deal with it. It was part of growing up.

This was what everyone told me.

When I was just a kid nobody told me growing up was so horrible. Yet here I am. I knew it was necessary. I felt the pangs of defeat. I felt every single bit of pain.

I cause pain.

What a sad thought.

Is this who I’ve become? I can’t seem to comprehend how this leads to something good. But it does. It will. It had to be done.

I did it.

No washing of hands. I had to deal with it. Its my burden to bear.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul

~William Ernest Henley

I am indeed the Captain of my Soul.

Yup he did tell me so, but I didn’t listen. Today, the phone that served me for almost 2 years has passed on. It decided to break up with me. It just refused to be with me anymore. All those emails and contact numbers gone. All I have are what I saved on my laptop. Funny how this has become a metaphor for something else.

Zeeee blackberry is zeee culprit. I am grossly overbudget for this month primarily because of this! Oy vie, c’est la vie!

This is L mourning the loss of my cellphone. I guess its time to move on. Like with everything else in my life.

What is the taxi move?

Ok picture this, you’re standing along the side of the street waiting for a cab to stop, flailing your arms every now and then at every passing cab. When all of a sudden this old lady or a group of people walk past you and stand almost near you. Not beside you but adjacent and just down the street so that the cab stops for them first instead of you. THE DOUCHIEST MOVE ever.

So here’s my toast to all you douchebags who do this move. We are all in a rush. Chivalry is not dead, there is just no more room for it today. Douchebags have taken over.

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I know everyone means well, but please stop telling me about her. I am trying to move on and get on with my life. Anything she does is her business and none of mine. You are not helping, no matter how sincere you are, by telling me you saw her, you know stuff about her, or anything at all. Please, just let me move on in peace. Thanks.

I went back to the LTO today. I came at 8:30 AM. (They have a sign outside which says OFFICE HOURS ARE FROM 9 to 5 WEEKDAYS) I naturally expected to wait until 9 AM. I was standing in an already long line outside the office when I suddenly decided to check my phone. I noticed that it was 9:10 AM. After getting all the crap for missing out a few minutes yesterday, here they were opening the offices late. The hypocrisy was just outstanding. No wonder the Philippines and its people are in such dire straights right now.

When finally they do open the doors, the sudden thrush of people jostling for position inside the office was amazing. It was as if there was some unseen current urging people to just keep going in. I had my wits about me, so I entered the drug testing center instead and found that I was 2nd in line. Aside from the occasional idiots trying to cut in line and make things faster, the process was pretty ok. As long as you don’t get lost due to the stupidity of the signs and instructions. (Note to self: When someone from the LTO tells you to wait for your name to be called, it means you have to give your forms to the examining doctor/nurse AND THEN wait for your name to be called!) Aside from this minor hiccup things proceeded quickly. (Oh and you have to give a urine sample and pee while the door is open. Thank god, I don’t have a shy bladder!)

Back at the LTO office, I was the only one there. They have a glass wall which divides you from employees. I could clearly see that my form was the only one there. I have no idea why people then would take their time attending to the completion of verification of documents. Anyway, I was just happy to be almost done and sitting in an empty office. It took me 45 mins to actually get my license renewed. But here’s the catch, I had to know where I was going and get the forms the day before.

You see I hate standing in lines. Maybe its not a question of patience since I see myself as a pretty patient person. I would gladly wait if you tell me you are going to be late or will be arriving at a different time. But just being late without telling me is unforgivable. That is why I was so livid yesterday. How the hell should I know that cut-off is at 10:30 AM? It says business hours are from 9AM till 5PM.

Anyway, I’m glad to have my license back and add another piece of Identification card to my arsenal. (I’ve got my company Id, passport, and now my drivers’ license which is valid again.) I then bought a plastic cover for P20 just because my old one so dilapidated that it was literally disintegrating during the entire ordeal.

There is nothing quite like a harrowing experience of renewing your license to remind you that, ‘”hey welcome back to the Philippines!”

And welcome back indeed.

Today I was reminded that DFA is only an exception rather than a rule. I had to renew my license today. Apparently, the Ayala renewal center is the fastest. They are for a number of reasons I think.

One is that they cut off the morning session at 10:30 AM! I mean wtf. You only have 1 hour and 30 mins from the time they open. The next session is at 2:00 PM. If you have work and have to come in and then go the LTO center, you are basically screwed.

I hate how nothing works in the Philippines. If I haven’t really noticed how things really don’t work in the Philippines, but after Singapore I am both in an utter state of disgust and humiliation. Why can’t we do it. What exactly is so different?

I’ve always stood by my principle that I will not leave the country because I believe in the Filipino people. But I’ve found a better world. I’ve found a place that makes me happier. Do I compromise my principles?

Things like these, the LTO shit, make it hard for me to keep hoping. They are literally bastions of hope-draining structures erected in different areas. Whether it be the traffic, the unrelenting undisciplined masses, or the joke/carnival called our presidential elections, they just drain my hope from under me. I want to keep hoping. I want to keep believing but maybe there comes a point wherein we just have to cut our losses and walk away.

Albert Einstein defined madness as repeating the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. It is so sad that I have this sinking feeling that I am expecting  a different result. But a quote from Friedrich Nietzsche’s Reading and Writing offers some semblance of what others would call a “ray of light or glimmer of hope”. He says:

There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness

I love my country. I am mad. But amidst my madness, there lies the reason. I have yet to find it though.