When Death Feels Like A Good Option

Yup you read that right. Struggling under enormous pressure and struggling to find my feet in things, sometimes I stop to think if death really feels like a good option. Suffering in silence and solitude, longing to one day wake up feeling fresh and just going about your business, days like that are gone. What little hope and self confidence you had, totally obliterated with the constant reminders of your failure.

FAILURE.

Yup, that is what did everything else in. Whether it be something personal or professional, failure eats a way at the very core until nothing is left. It feels like a tiny cancer, slowly degrading your body or a rust spot in your car which slowly eats away at the structural integrity until one day, BOOM. Everything is over.

And then you lose hope.

No amount of self confidence and self help books, not enough comforting words are out there to restore hope. Sad to say, I feel hope slowly slipping from my grips.

The reality is never as bad as the insanity I’ve created in my head.

So for now, death is not a good option. Not yet at least.

In a sea of people, I feel alone.

I quietly sit and chant  my mantra for the day.

“Out of the dark the covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I think whatever gods may be,

for my unconquerable soul.”

I am in a very dark place now.