F = FAIL

I saw a plurk by a friend of mine the other day as he was ranting on and on about how people today try and justify their failures. I remember the line he used was “fail with dignity!” I think he was referring how some MIS (*edit: oooops, CS pala daw siya. ) students today justify failing programming class by saying that C++ is a dead language. No idea what that means or how true that is, but the entire notion of failing with dignity was quite intriguing.

I was in my 3rd year of college then and I had one of THE toughest Theo131 teachers in Ateneo. Fr. Dacanay. Despite several warnings from both friends and teachers, I decided to take him. (I had the option not to.) It was a sem constantly battling pressure. From oral exams to written exams I attempted to answer both. I failed both. I even failed the entire class and I had to take the entire class once again.

Here’s the entry I posted back in college from my old multiply blog. I don’t like using multiply.

One Day in August

I never thought there would come a day wherein one would just breakdown. I always thought that it only happened in movies. Some guy, just walking along and then all of a sudden started crying and breaking down. But the other day, everything was ok. It was a normal day. But after a meeting with a Fr.D I started thinking. I just sat in silence for a few minutes… maybe 30 or more… and for the first time just thought. Mind you, that ain’t easy in the org room. People were teasing me na why so quiet and me being EMO (I AM NOT AN EMO)… but i just laughed it off. I was even kidding around with Dea when an insurmountable feeling of just wanting to cry just came from within. I’m not one for crying in public or even crying at all, not because of the macho bullshit but beacuse of the way you look after. And then you have a runny nose and all the shit. But it was as if i was overcome with tears. I tried holding them back but they just kept coming.

That day I cried.

I cried in the middle of all things happening. And when thinking about why I cried that day , it was that I just felt helpless. Helpless in the grand scheme of things. Things had been going well these past few weeks, I was content with my life. Maybe I was just ignoring what was wrong or rather going wrong. Turning a deaf ear to the problems that need to be confronted for fear that I might find myself uncontented with my life. Usually my emotions are under control and I only show a part of what i really feel, sort of like an iceberg. But that day really helped me. It showed me that some people despite not knowing them for very long, really did care for me. Thanks to Ivory, Romee, Maui, Nino etc you guys know who you are. I couldn’t see who was there already. After that whole crying incident, I felt lighter. A lightness similar to Parsiminides concept of lightness. Not a lightness of being but a freedom. I felt as if i was ok again. Crying does help. Even if just once in a while. I even wrote a quote for it for a philo paper. That quote read:

“Ganun pala yun, iiyak mo ng konti. Tapos pagnilayan. At pagkatpos ng lahat move on. Don’t dwell on it. Parang perishable foods yan eh. If gagamitin mo either ubusin mo na, or i-tapon mo. Kasi wala na siya silbi. Mapapanis siya. Maari din i-ref pero may hangganan parin ito”

I dont know if it makes sense to you guys, but i certainly expressed what i thought at that moment.

-END-

ok so that was the LONG entry I had back in college. I know it sounds too fucking corny right now, (it sounds like it to me) but at that point in time I thought that was my world. I knew of nothing else. Fastforward to today. I failed that class. I failed with dignity. I can still look Fr.D in the eye whenever I passed by him in corridors or at mass. I knew I tried. I didn’t make excuses. I told him I would take the final orals and not withdraw his class. I tried. I failed with dignity. I guess I just realized this now. That this is what failing with dignity means.